Warry Wotter and the Wamber of Wecrets

Let me tell you a little story. The protagonist, a strapping, young fellow who goes by the name of SlimShaney, finds himself wanting to go to the most celebrated event of the year. This event would not only be the best moment of his year, but the thing that defines him for the rest of his natural-born life! It was the midnight premiere of a movie we will refer to as "Warry Wotter wand whe Weathly Wallows: Wart Wone." The major obstacle that stood in the way of SlimShaney achieving his ultimate dream was....the beast. She was the most feared creature throughout the land with teeth the size of two-story houses, claws that made even the bravest lion tremble in fear, and the ability to nag so hard that a child two miles away would instantly die of boredom. If Slim wished to attend this premiere, he must first slay this beast and rid the town of its evil.

So, SlimShaney gathered all of his finest weapons and marched toward the cave where this creature lived. Upon arriving, he approached the front door...but it was already open. He peeked his head in to see if the creature was lurking nearby but saw nothing in sight except for an ugly white couch and a bunch of pictures of the creature's daughter (which the monster obviously preferred over her very attractive son). Once Slim had entered, the door quickly swung shut behind him. "Show yourself!" he shouted. A low, grumbling hiss was heard from the basement stairway.

The hideous creature leapt from the basement. "Why do you come here?" she asked in an annoyingly piercing tone. "I have come because I wish to go to the midnight premiere this Thursday!" The creature let out the most vicious roar that Slim had ever heard. Children playing majong in China gasped when they heard that roar. "You can't go the midnight premiere!!" it yelled. "Why not?" Slim shouted back. "Because. YOU HAVE FINALS!!" With that, she sprang from her spot and attacked Slim. He quickly dodged and what followed was some of the most intense fighting in all of history. Eventually, the creature managed to knock all of Slim's weapons out of his hands. He stood there, defenseless, as the monster spread her jaws and swallowed him whole. That, my friends is the end of my story and the end of SlimShaney.

In case you did not understand, the evil monster was my mother, I was Slim, and she did not let me go to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. I am still upset, obviously.