Are You Urban? I'm Urban like a Turban!

As an arty, young hipster, I find myself often contemplating why i am working. I'm cool. I'm suave. I'm a gingerly stroll down a long meadow of flowers. Since my view of myself can only be taken as "urban", I took it upon myself to look up the term "work" in Urban Dictionary. Next to Wikipedia, this is where I get all of my research information. So, here it is, the first definition of work according to Urban Dictionary:

"A worldwide slave labour organisation used to control modern man and prevent independant thought from occuring in any form. This is the reason it's much harder to make anything of yourself working in creative arts, such as acting and singing - the government sees anyone more popular than them as a threat to their power. It is also an ingenious creation to make placebos such as computers and photocopiers look important to our way of life. Some may argue that the workplace is desigend to build character and learn about teamwork...others prefer to think of it as the perfect place to practise your aiming skills as you throw ball after ball of scrunched up paper into the bin in the corner, then make a little competition out of it with fellow colleagues."

Well, let's analyze this statement, shall we? The definition starts off with cleverly comparing the workforce to a slave organization. This makes complete sense because I work four shifts and slave worked all day long. I have a boss that respects me and listens to my ideas and slaves had harsh plantation owners who beat them. I get a paycheck and they got crappy food. Excellent analogy. Next, we move on to the statement about how acting and singing are hard to get jobs in because the government doesn't like people who become more famous than them. Another brilliant point. I have been working on a theory that famous people don't actually exist. They're just robots that have been created by the government to make them look better. It's nice to know that someone out there shares a similar opinion.

The next line uses some fancy words like "placebo" and "photocopiers" (Ooooohh). The overall effect of such sophisticated diction is that I believe him. I know that he isn't some fourteen year old girl writing about work. Instead, she could easily be fifteen (maybe sixteen). Guess what they do next? They address counterarguments! Wow! I hope that someday I can address the points of the opposite party by sarcastically and rudely stating that work is nothing more than throwing paper balls. Such an illuminating piece of work. Urban Dictionary is the new encyclopedia. In case you didn't catch on, I think this definition is stupid. Here's the second one:

A place where people have to go everyday to get paid. Also known as "hell".

This one I completely agree with.

POOP FINGERS.

I have a friend. Let's call her Crystal-Methanie. She has been working at Freddy's for the same amount of time that I have. She complains a lot, but she is a good worker, friendly with the customers, and doesn't have TOO many piercings. Still, for some reason I am a checker and she is but a lowly courtesy bag girl. Sometimes I will ask Crystal-Methanie why she thinks she is still a courtesy. Here is her story she told me:

"I was seven years old when my grandfather first told me that I was gonna work at Freddy's. He had worked there and my grandfather's grandfather had worked there and my grandfather's grandfather's godfather had worked there. So, when I saw that they were hiring I figured this was my opportunity. Unfortunately, Grandpapa had just passed away the week before and I knew that he would be soooo proud of me for having gotten a job at Freddy's. They told me, 'Most people start off as courtesy and quickly become checkers." So, I was patient.

I washed the windows, took in the carts (even in the sleet and snow), and picked up poop off the bathroom floor. Let me tell you, once you pick up poop with your bare hands, you don't get the stain out for weeks. People look at you and go, 'There's Poop Fingers! Better hide yo' hands in yo' pockets!' Eventually, I developed the nickname Crystal-Methanie because i had turned to a life of drugs and pain. I'm not a checker yet. It may have something to do with ma' poop fingers or my drug use, but I'm pretty sure it's racial discrimination.

As a middle-class white student, the managers discriminated against me and my people. I grew up in the deep, treacherous ghettos of Beverly Hills. Then, I moved to Iowa and I thought those days were behind me. I'm thinkin' bout complainin' to Human Resources about my issue. Also, I have a complaint to make about people stealin' my lunch in the break room. I spend hours makin' my salami/peanut butter sandwiches and I don't appreciate when people steal my peanut butter. Metaphorically, peanut butter is like drugs to me. Still, I've decided to move on with my life. I will no longer pick up poop off the floor and be called 'Poop Fingers'. I will fight for women's rights and push for-"

Alright, 399 words. Good enough.

HermAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday, Emma Watson! Today is your special day, and, guess what, it's Friday! Friday! GOTTA get down on Friday! I bet you're lookin' forward to the weekend. Weekend. As we all know, Emma Watson is a character that Hermoine Granger plays in real life. Hermoine is so smart. She has tricked several people into thinking that Emma Watson is her real personality. Well played, Hermy, well played. Still, I see straight through her clever disguise. Harry Potter is real and so are all of his friends. In order to celebrate your birthday, let us take a look back at some of your finest moments.

1. Remember that time turner you used? Not only did it help you remain a top-notch AP student, but you also helped save the hyppogriff and Sirius Black. Your dedication to your schoolwork is inspiring to many and raises the standards of those who get accepted into Hogwarts.

2. Wingardium leviosa? No, it's wingardium leviosAH.  HAHAHA. You're so funny. You pay such attention to detail that nothing gets by you. Now that you're another year older, let's hope that eyesight doesn't fade.

3. Who could forget all of the intimate and beautiful moments that you shared with Ronald Weasley? Well, i certainly didn't. Not even Lavender Brown could break you two apart. Ain't no love like a Ron-Hermoine love because a Ron-Hermoine love don't stop.

4. I know this is a list of your finest moments, but I would just like to address that weird, sexual scene in the seventh movie between you and Harry. Nah uh, not happenin'. You and Ronald are meant to be together. You have finally found a ginger that isn't crazy or a serial killer. Hold onto him and never let him go. You can name one of your kids Harry, I don't care, just keep the touching to a minimum. Thanks.

5. You punched Draco in the face! Alright, gurl! You were overworked, tired, and annoyed outta yo' mind. So, when he let his snippy little tongue run wild, you popped one right in the kisser. Looked like it hurt. Well played, Hermoine's fists of fury, well played. 

So, there's your life in a nutshell. Now that you are 21, don't go too crazy! There's only so much butterbeer in the world, start off slow.

There Ain't No Cursin' Durin' Rehearsin'

I am in a new musical. This production is entitled, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.' And guess what! It's actually really funny. When we did our read-through in February, I hadn't expected the script to actually make me laugh as much as it did. Well played, script...well played. Anyway, the rehearsal process has been rather vigorous lately. We started off in early march learning choreography. There are a few numbers (one in particular) that have a lot of dancing in them. While it isn't the hardest stuff in the world, and dance is somewhat difficult for me. Then we did a few one-on-one vocal rehearsals and we began blocking the show.

Blocking was a monotonous process, because you need to write down everywhere you go and develop reasons for why you are moving there. I realize that it helps quite a lot to have a purpose and to know where to go and when, but at the time it felt like it was just going to change anyway. Now, though, we are in the process of focusing on more of the acting now that we have the basic foundation covered. I had a bit of trouble with memorization in the beginning, but now that we have run through everything, it is coming along quite well.

My character, Pseudelous, is a slave to one of the rich family's in Ancient Greece, the house of Senex. Senex's son, Hero, falls in love with a beautiful virgin courtesan, but she has been sold to the great captain, Miles Gloriosus. My character attempts to bring the two lovers together by weaving a twisted tale of lies and disguises. Just as the opening song says, it truly is a comedy tonight. As far as acting goes, I have decided to play my character with a bit of variety. On the page, he appears to be a witty, outspoken character, but as a slave I picture him being only outspoken to certain people. For example, he would speak to his master, Hero, with his arms folded across his body and arched over to look up at him. Whereas, when speaking to Marcus Lycus, the owner of the courtesans (who thinks that Pseudelous is free), he would stand straight and speak in a relaxed manner. 

The show goes up on April 27th for the world to see. It is coming up quite fast! I am sure that we will be ready. Rehearsals have been really great for the past few weeks and the show is only getting stronger. I hope everyone enjoys it....or else.

For Every Jim/Pam, there is a Grandma/Rudolph

Some people call me a sea urchin of desire. I'm not sure why but I am pretty sure it had something to do with my dashing good looks, incredible talent, and my amazing ability to woo my prey with a toss of the hair. Now, I know you are thinking, who is this Justin Beiber-like character and why is he telling me all of these outstanding things about himself. He's so cool! I wish I were as nice, funny, and charming as he is! Well, that's what I am here to address. To all those that pine over me, you should know that I will not accept you as a blossoming romance if we work together. Office relationships are the quickest way to having your heart broken, a pie in your face, and twelve laughing girls pointing their snooty fingernails at you saying, "You should quit!"

That's the first thing about sweet, sweet love in the workplace. It will get you fired or force you to quit. My grandma said she once worked with a man at a local farmer's market. They would work real close together and one day they were suddenly an item. When my grandma found out that her boyfriend, Randolph, had also been seeing Margaret, Jan, and Phillice, well....let's just say Randolph was the one who got run over by Grandma that Christmas eve. Anyway, the point is that my grandma felt she had to quit because she couldn't handle being around Randolph (who has, personally, never been one of my favorite reindeer of the sleigh). Another big possibility is being fired. Let's say your girlfriend, Liza, is actually a prostitute and you find out during the middle of shift. You are going to walk right up to Liza and ask, "Are you a prostitute?" Well, it turns out that she wasn't a prostitute. That was Lisa. Well, Liza responds by hitting you repeatedly with the statue of Jesus she keeps in her purse. Your manager witnesses this commotion and promptly fires both of you. Soon, you become a prostitute to pay the bills.

There are just two simple results of office romances: quitting or being fired. Not everyone turns out like Jim and Pam from 'The Office". Instead, you could end up like Kevin or Creed (alone and creepy). Although I love my Kevin coffee mug, I wouldn't consider his life a road I would be willing to go down. Heed thine warning, mortals! If you do not obey the law of never having an office relationship, you will be cursed forever to listen to Rebecca Black's "Friday" for the rest of your lives!

How to Succeed at Hogwarts Without Using Unforgivable Curses

I saw him. I was so close to him that had he spit in an upwards direction and there had been a good, solid wind, his loogie would have hit me in the face. He was everything I had ever dreamed of. He was epic. He was magical. He was...short. He was HARRY POTTER. I can feel the jealousy of anyone who reads this seeping through the blog. I would be jealous, too, had it been someone other than myself. What is strange is that I didn't run into him at Hogwarts, or spy him at Diagon Alley, or even catch the same train at Platform 9.75, instead, I saw him in a Broadway musical. Harry Potter was playing Daniel Radcliffe playing J. Pierrepont Finch in "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying."

The trip to New York was a part of our school's choir program, so we had to go see a Broadway musical. One word got out that Harry Potter was performing, the tickets were booked. I waited anxiously outside. Next to his big, shiny face on all of the posters, i got plenty of pictures taken. We had great seats on the second balcony which only made the anticipation that much greater. The first sighting of His Greatness came when he was lowered down from the ceiling in the opening number. He was there!! The screams were obnoxiously loud and I wanted so badly to just jump out off the balcony and steal him, but i knew that without my Firebolt it was suicide.

The musical was great. Harry Potter, though he didn't have the greatest voice, acted the piece beautifully and was hilarious. The most impressive part, to me, was the company. Their dancing was spot on and whenever singing was required, they always sounded full and supported. Still, most of the time I found it difficult to unglue my eyes from the tiny, little magic man on stage. Dumbledore would have been so proud if he could have seen this moment.

The most disappointing part came once the show was over. The standing ovation had died down and people had begun to pile out into the streets. Outside, a van had been blocked off and everyone knew it was Harry Potter's. We waited patiently on the other side of the street and refused to leave until a glimpse of the Boy Wonder was achieved. Eventually, a bus pulled up and parked itself firmly in our way. Despite our loud chants of, "Move that bus!" it didn't move for quite some time. We had to leave. Our efforts were noble and courageous, but unfortunately no one got to meet him. Still, I will always remember that day as the day I saw the greatest boy-wizard of all-time.

These Eagles bear a Striking Resemblance to the Simpsons

These last few days have been somewhat hectic. With work, the musical, and homework, I am a little bit low on my recreational requirements. So, for entertainment, what do I do? I grab a bowl of popcorn and I creep on some eagles. A pair of eagles has nested in Decorah, IA and let me tell you, it has been quite exciting. Even now, I watch as the mother guards her egg from invaders. There used to be three eggs, but the miracle of life has worked its magic on two of them already.

From what I have observed, the father and mother have a very...complicated...relationship. Margaret (the name I have given the mother, sometime shortened to Marge) is very good at sitting down. Not only is the form that she uses excellent (a series of complicated shuffles and shimmies), but she also manages to stay graceful even in the most mundane of moments. Homer (the father), on the other hand, seems to be somewhat of the opposite. An old, indecisive bird, Homer can leave the nest for hours at a time and return later with nothing but a dead, bloody rat. What was he doing all that time? Hmm? Homer wasn't even there when his own children were born (Bart and Lisa). Their births were magical. Sure, Marge blocked most of the hatching with her big butt, but we still got to see the finished product. On the way is another baby eaglet i assume will be named Maggie.

The eagles are apparently being observed as something referred to as the Raptor Resource. Hopefully the title of the initiative doesn't reveal true Jurassic Park-tendencies. The live feed I am watching right now comes directly from their website. The camera is a little fuzzy and every gust of wind sounds like a shattering earthquake, but the birds are clearly visible. If you like a good nature show or a bit of family drama, I suggest checking it out.
Website: http://www.raptorresource.org/falcon_cams/index.html