For Every Jim/Pam, there is a Grandma/Rudolph

Some people call me a sea urchin of desire. I'm not sure why but I am pretty sure it had something to do with my dashing good looks, incredible talent, and my amazing ability to woo my prey with a toss of the hair. Now, I know you are thinking, who is this Justin Beiber-like character and why is he telling me all of these outstanding things about himself. He's so cool! I wish I were as nice, funny, and charming as he is! Well, that's what I am here to address. To all those that pine over me, you should know that I will not accept you as a blossoming romance if we work together. Office relationships are the quickest way to having your heart broken, a pie in your face, and twelve laughing girls pointing their snooty fingernails at you saying, "You should quit!"

That's the first thing about sweet, sweet love in the workplace. It will get you fired or force you to quit. My grandma said she once worked with a man at a local farmer's market. They would work real close together and one day they were suddenly an item. When my grandma found out that her boyfriend, Randolph, had also been seeing Margaret, Jan, and Phillice, well....let's just say Randolph was the one who got run over by Grandma that Christmas eve. Anyway, the point is that my grandma felt she had to quit because she couldn't handle being around Randolph (who has, personally, never been one of my favorite reindeer of the sleigh). Another big possibility is being fired. Let's say your girlfriend, Liza, is actually a prostitute and you find out during the middle of shift. You are going to walk right up to Liza and ask, "Are you a prostitute?" Well, it turns out that she wasn't a prostitute. That was Lisa. Well, Liza responds by hitting you repeatedly with the statue of Jesus she keeps in her purse. Your manager witnesses this commotion and promptly fires both of you. Soon, you become a prostitute to pay the bills.

There are just two simple results of office romances: quitting or being fired. Not everyone turns out like Jim and Pam from 'The Office". Instead, you could end up like Kevin or Creed (alone and creepy). Although I love my Kevin coffee mug, I wouldn't consider his life a road I would be willing to go down. Heed thine warning, mortals! If you do not obey the law of never having an office relationship, you will be cursed forever to listen to Rebecca Black's "Friday" for the rest of your lives!