Night is a lonely period. Filled with smokers and binge drinkers, I often find that the store is a peaceful place where I can be alone with my thoughts and the cash register. Sometimes, when I am working nights I will think to myself, "What would happen if I was the only person in the store when something devastating happened?" Here's the story I concocted:
SlimShaney was an artsy, good looking kid who had grown up on the streets of Redar Capids (I've obviously changed the city to protect my identity). Five years ago, he had been recruited by the FBI and trained in all things martial arts related. He could count on seven hands the number of people he's killed if each of his seven hands had seven fingers because of a birth defect. Sadly, he didn't have seven hands with seven fingers each, so he had to settle for counting the number in his head. He had run off from the FBI two years ago and was now working in a local grocery store called Freddy's. No one had ever found him....until now.
It was a quiet, dark night and the wind hissed like an angry cat who had just been dropped in a bucket of water. A man walked into the store wearing a black trenchcoat and dark hat that covered his eyes. He immediately went to SlimShaney's register and grabbed some gum. "This all for ya' tonight, sir?" Slimshaney asked with the politeness of three hundred British butlers. "I guess there's one more thing you could do for me....you could DIE!" The man pulled out a machine gun from his oversized trenchcoat and fired away at SlimShaney, but he was too fast. SS threw the gum straight at the man's eye and ran for customer service. The assassin grasped at his eye in agony. "Butt-Whooping to Customer Service please," SS called out over the intercom.
Luckily, there was a bag of flour in the Go-Back section. SS took the flour and threw it everywhere. He ran straight for the man who was trying to kill him. How brave! The next five minutes, the two men engaged in an intense karate battle that could have been featured in some sort of Jackie Chan vs. Godzilla battle movie. Eventually, they ended up in aisle five (the one with all the cereal). The two exchanged puns like world-class punmakers. "I'm gonna Crunch-a-Tize you, captain! I'm more than good....I'm great! They're always after me lucky arms!" Making their way into the parking lot, SS grabbed a cart and pushed it around the white lines. The assassin had obviously been in this situation before, because he pushed his cart like an expert. Still, SS being 8-time employee of the month knew his way around the parking lot. He cornered the man next to the salt bags. There, SlimShaney had placed a bomb in case anything like this ever happened. The assassin was startled when SS began running away from the salt bags and took a moment to bask in his glory. SS had just enough time for one witty pun: "Salt and Pepper? More like Salt and Bombs." Not his best one, but it worked. The bags of slat exploded in a fiery-
Then it was ten. My shift was over. I left.
No comments:
Post a Comment