I Don't Care if She Wears Adult Diapers....She's Beautiful...

It's happened. My life is complete. I can die in peace because finally, I am loved. An old woman at Freddy's told me today that I am a very attractive boy. YES! Too long have I waited in the shadows behind the more attractive male workers of Freddy's! Too long have my charming good looks escaped the eyes of the Grannies that crawl through our store! Too long have I pondered the reason these cranky shrews refuse to recognize my beauty! I am beautiful! I am strong! I am a very attractive boy! YAY!

Let me tell you a story. One day, quite a while ago, when I was still a lowly bagger, A woman came through my line. She reminded me of my own grandma without the can of Pringles in one hand and the cigarette in the other. The woman slowly put her groceries on the conveyor belt with the precision of an elephant dropping apples on the ground. She took one look at the male cashier who was working and said, "Oh my! You're a very handsome boy!" For the next five minutes she continued to flirt with this obviously underage boy. "Alright, Mrs. Robinson, let's keep it moving," I thought to myself. Still, I couldn't help but wonder about what this woman might say to me. Granted, I was younger than the cashier and my muscles looked twig-like compared with his, but I have a nice-looking face. It's nothing extraordinarily special, but I felt confident the woman would at least feel obliged to say, "Oh! Two handsome men in one aisle? It must be my lucky day!" Instead, once she unglued her eyes from the boy who gave her the receipt, she proceeded to look at me, scan me over, and say, "Paper bags, please." I crushed her eggs. On purpose.

So, now you know why I was so excited to be loved by this lovely, old woman. What makes it even better is that this woman was older than the one who had scarred me. If that nasty wrinkle-bag had been a cougar, then my admirer must have been at least a cheetah or one of the older cats in the animal kingdom. Therefore, I win. I should enter a contest where old ladies choose the suitor they would like. It will be the next hit reality show. So long, Bachelor, hello, Cougarette or The Amazing Race....To the Grave (I couldn't choose between the two titles. They're both so catchy).